her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Randomize
