Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
