I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
