On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
