I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Randomize
