Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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