I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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