i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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