On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
