Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
