just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
