New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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