Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
