last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
