At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
