Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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