Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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