Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
