I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
