I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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