so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
