Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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