I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
This is the high leading the old right now
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
