How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
