hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
