I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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