dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
