I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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