Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
