if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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