I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
