Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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