in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
