I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Randomize
