I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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