I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
