she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
