who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
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