He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
