You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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