I want to have your abortion
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
