Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
