I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
