I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
