You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
