____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
