i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
