How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
