My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
