You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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